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Amanda's Journey with Limiting BeliefsThe Day I stopped SHINING
For me, I always struggled valuing myself, and allowing money to flow to me. I frequently allowed people to walk all over me and have said YES to things, when I really wanted to scream NO . I found myself working long and hard in jobs that could only really be described as “abusive”. I have not always really been happy with myself, with my results, my money, my health or my relationships and I could never really figure out what the problem was. I have a lot of wonderful things in my life; my husband, my children, my dog, friends, and a myriad of amazing things yet….. something missing still. You must have been a beautiful baby…
Yes, I was. White blond curls, big smile and a happy personality. I have a shiny, silver cup on my shelf that I won as a beautiful baby, August 1968, two months before my 2nd birthday and I have some photos from that same day.
As I looked really closely at those photographs I has an immense feeling of sadness. I felt inadequate, I felt that I did not belong, out of place, a fraud, like some kind of cheat, that the cup and the prize really should not be mine and really quite upset. I wanted to get rid of that cup as fast as I could.
As I probed further into this, I could hear the jealous, spiteful remarks that were being made about me and that the whole thing was a fix. I could hear one old lady saying that her grand-daughter should have won because she was prettier than me and there were other remarks along lines of the blond, brainless child that would only get by in life because of her looks. Hmm, I wonder why I started piling on weight at about 8 years old and have had a life-long battle with my weight
As an adult I am reminded of the quote by Eleanor Roosevelt, “No-one can make you feel inferior without your permission”. As a nearly 2 year old I had no concept of that. That was the day the light went out and I really stopped shining. One day, one incident that had a 40 year impact on me!
I won that cup because I was shining the brightest. I had a huge, warm loving smile, I was full of joy of life, fun, happiness, wonderfulness and a sheer delight at being alive. I wanted to share that with the world. I was shining my light and everything flowed to me easily and effortlessly. Plus, from what I can remember, I wasn’t bothered in the slightest whether I won that cup or not. It meant more to my parents, especially my dad, than it did to me. It was all about other people’s expectations and somehow I felt I had never quite matched up to those expectations. I could trace of all the feelings of not being good enough, self worth, not deserving, things should not be easy in my life back to that event. Many of the subsequent events over the years have just re-enforced those patterns and those beliefs. When I was SHINING However, no more than 6 weeks before that day with the baby show, things were very different.
You can see the glow and the natural fun-loving, playful, vibrant, mischievous light in the little being in the picture taken a month before. That amazing creature was me, playing happily, with the wind in my hair (although Greg remarked that the hair han’t changed much! Cheeky so and so!) and not a care in the world. I was living life to the full and enjoying every moment.
I was just BEING ME. That is one of the very few photos where I am smiling with my mouth OPEN.
Using my own powerful process, I was able to heal and clear the beliefs and the feelings that arose from that event, to choose to take positive learnings from it and to create a new reality for myself today as an adult, 40 odd years after that event.
Once I went to meet my futures self, there was a whole new wonderful person waiting to meet me. I was also able to get that cup back out, give it a really good polish and know that it is truly mine, and it always was. I deserved (past) and deserve (now) it for Shining the Brightest. I have been able to put that on my bookshelf and look at it with a huge SMILE on my face, instead of wondering why it made me feel bad. Now it is a positive symbol, instead of a negative one. I now have a choice. I can allow myself to go back to be ruled by those feelings of pain or inadequacy or I can allow myself to really SHINE. As a wise person once said (and I am not sure who it was) “Other people’s opinions of me are none of my business”.
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